The Paper Christmas Tree
Hidden Enemies and Friday Wrap Up 12-06-2024
Today’s Verse and Thought
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”(Romans 5:1-5).
Image source- Almay
The worst Christmas of my life
I was turning 30 and the marriage I so desperately tried to hang on to was over. We had lived apart for more than a year so it wasn’t exactly a surprise; but now it was “official.” All those years of hoping and tearful prayers didn’t change the mind of the man I had loved since I was 16. He had long ago moved on into the arms of others, and now here I was at the end.
It was the first Christmas my children and I were apart and my heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. I knew it was going to be hard on them, as well as me. For their sake, it was what I had to do. I tried to smile and assure them that they were going to have a great time at their dad’s. He could give them what I couldn’t (at least materially).
I had no money for gifts for the kids or any other kind of festivities that year. I really didn’t feel like “celebrating” anything, quite honestly, but I knew that if I didn’t combat my feelings, they would begin to swallow me up in dark self-pity. If nothing else, I had to stay strong and courageous for the sake of my kids. They never asked for any of this. They were innocent victims of adult selfishness.
I’m not sure if it was defiance or hope - or maybe a little of both - that drove me to make a crayon-colored paper Christmas tree and tape it to the wall that year. I was determined not to be completely beaten, even though I was sad, lonely, and really afraid of what the next year would bring. My life had a lot more questions than answers.
A single dad who lived down the street - whose son was my sons’ friend - invited me to join his family for Christmas that year. I was grateful for his kindness and compassion.
I felt so awkward and weird surrounded by all those strangers, but I appreciated their hospitality. I arrived shamefully empty-handed and empty-hearted to a house full of laughing people; plates of delicious food and treats; and gifts piled under a beautifully decorated Christmas tree.
No Hope
“But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.”(Psalm 9:18).
That year my life was such a cliché. A divorced single mom with three kids, driving a beat up old car; living month to month - with more month than money; no real job skills or training; and no other financial support, other than what I could scrape together from a commission-only sales job that was about as secure as selling magazines door-to-door. I was afraid that the future for my kids would be bleak.
My faith was desperately tested during those years and I didn’t really have a lot of support to help me sort it out. My Christian friends avoided me as if divorce was somehow contagious so I felt doubly betrayed. I ended up doing what I had grown accustomed to: just go it alone.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”(Proverbs 13:12)
I tried to lean on my faith, but I also fought with strong human emotions of desperation and sadness. Just like when I prayed for my dad to be healed (and he died) I had prayed for years that my husband would love me and see the value in family, but that hope died too. In those years I didn’t really “see” a lot of answers to my prayers. Answers were there; I just didn’t know it.
Quiet Hope
“No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.”(Psalm 25:3)
God was quietly working in the background weaving together my future after I had made a mess of things. I managed to limp through that year, and on to the next. Slowly the days became somewhat routine again as kids went back to school and I managed to get through the weeks facing each new challenge as a single mom.
I don’t remember the day it happened, but one day I laughed out loud about something silly. I almost felt guilty. How could I laugh when life was so scary-hard and my kids were devastated from a home life that was forever broken? And yet there it was; like a tiny spark of hope.
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”(Psalm 31:24)
Hope in the Lord
My hope was often misplaced in those years. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had hoped in temporal things. I think I constantly looked at circumstances as my source of encouragement. What I didn’t realize was how fickle that was. Circumstances can change in an instant, both happy and sad. It’s not that things in life won’t affect us, but they can’t be the source of our strength and hope.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”(Psalms 42:5)
I’m not saying that we aren’t encouraged by those things in life that bring us comfort or allow us to have stability, but when we place all our faith in something that tomorrow could be gone, we are placing our hope in the wind.
I did that with my ex-husband. I unknowingly had placed all my hope in him. I relied on him as the source of all I needed. But when that was gone, I realized how much I had actually idolized him. My trust and faith were tied to what he did or didn’t do so that when he was gone, so too was my source of strength. I thought the source of my faith was God, but really it was in man.
The lonely suffering I felt as this idol was torn out of my heart left me empty. I had placed too much unfair expectation on a person to fulfill all the needs I had. Now I was left without strength. It was only then that God could truly begin to show me a better way. Once I was empty, He could fill me with his love and truth.
Hope Restored
It has been many decades now since the paper Christmas tree. The kids are grown and have their own lives and children. They managed to get through very difficult years of living in a broken home.
They each have suffered their own challenges and trials, but they never let go of their faith in the Lord. I love them and admire them so much for who they are - they have had to overcome a lot.
Some of my friends from back then have since died. Some of them went through their own divorce. Life’s circumstances have ebbed and flowed in various directions. Some things were wonderful and other things tragic.
My life has never exactly been “easy,” but it has been good. Each trial and each blessing nurtured the faith and hope that God gave me as I learned to stay close to Him. He has taken me through every bit of it. Without Him, I would be nothing.
“…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame…”
The suffering I experienced led me to a place that is more secure today than in the past. It’s amazing how personally true the Word of God is as you look back. All the suffering I went through did teach me perseverance. And hopefully it has helped me be a much better person today than I was back then. Today I have great hope.
Turns out the worst Christmas of my life was the best
My neighbor back then assured me that there was always hope even when life was bleak. He too had experienced his own set of dire circumstances, but he never caved to despair; He always saw the light in the dark. I didn’t know it at the time, but he had just recently given his life to Jesus. His new faith was much sturdier than mine!
That Christmas God was preparing so many things for my future. And the greatest Christmas gift I got that year was the gift of hope given through a man who was spiritually gifted with encouragement. Brian, my neighbor, became my greatest gift that year.
We married a year later and today, I am blessed because, rather than being my idol, he is my very-good-bestest friend on the planet. He has shown me love that could only have come from God. He loved me while I had little to give and gifted me by loving my children as well.
Today my hope in God is much sturdier than it was in my young years. And while I don’t relish the future difficulties that I know are probably waiting, I am anchored today by the love that God gives me and a hope in a future that is far superior to anything here on earth.
Today’s Question
Verses to Explore
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”(Psalm 31:24)
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair…”(2 Corinthians 4:8)
“But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory.”(Hebrews 3:6)
Today’s Prayer
Father each Christmas I’m reminded of that paper tree from years ago and I am so thankful. Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me. Your word is true. Your hope is real. We suffer so much in this life, but you have given us a promised future that is full of all the blessings we long for. While I wait for that day, I want to live this life in a manner that glorifies you and be grateful for all you have given me. I know that this world is full of uncertainty. I have lived much of life not knowing what was next. But through it all you have blessed me. And I am so blessed by the gift that you gave me 36 years ago in Brian. You have allowed me to love and be loved in this world. I pray today for those who are facing trials that are sad, dark or scary. Please Father, I pray that you have mercy and bless us. Bless us in ways that we can say, “this was God.” Even in our suffering, I pray that we glorify you and are comforted. Please encourage those who are feeling sad and lonely this Christmas. Help them to see a spark of hope as they look to you for help and find that day when they can laugh again. We need your help so much in this life. We can’t do this apart from you. I pray that our lives bring you glory and praise. Amen❤️
